Lesson 6 Don't Let Your Corn Have Sex

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT look up "corn sex" in google images. Unlike my google search for "sexy earwigs," which was relatively harmless (as it should have been) a search for "corn sex" is a different ball of wax.

Why, you ask, would I look up "corn sex?" Good question. And I have a legitimate answer. It is my understanding that without enough wind (and plants even), corn needs help reproducing. And without said help, no offspring (read: corn) will be produced. So how do I play love doctor with the corn? I bet you don't know the answer. But guess who probably does? GOOGLE. Now, I can read all I want about how to make the corn plants have sex, but I really just need to see a picture. Which brings us to the GOOGLE image search for "corn sex." Makes perfect sense, right?

Suffice to say, I pressed a couple plants together and called it a day. Which, by the way, is NOT how you have corn sex. But that was before I did the GOOGLE search and learned my plants don't have all the requisite parts. Why, you ask, don't they have the requisite parts? Because they're dead. Lesson 6.

Earwigs - Not So Sexy

So in a previous post, I complained about the earwig problem I'm having and a friend commented that I should put up pictures of sexy earwigs to distract them. For reasons I don't care to explain, I decided to google "sexy earwigs" just to see what would come up. I'm naive in many ways but even I had a hunch that I'd probably get a nudie shot or two with any kind of search involving the term sexy. How many pictures would it take before this happened, I thought? Let's find out.

Turns out, there's nothing sexy about earwigs. I got pictures of earwigs, a picture of an ear with a wig, pictures of fish and birds and people's food, and even a picture of earwigs with Rick Astley. I finally came across what I thought was a boob but then realized the subject in question had a goatee and it was actually a moob. A very large, unsexy, self fondled moob. Disturbing. I guess I got what I wanted.

I don't understand...

how organic gardeners do it. I've been picking earwigs off my plants for the last three nights. I must have lost a dozen marigold flowers to them. They like basil, too.

You know what they don't like? Containers of veggie oil. Or rolled up newspapers. Apparently they live in opposite land in my garden box.

Lesson 5 - Buy Marigolds

Yesterday the marigolds had to give up their shade. They had three days of peace and now must face the elements. I noticed even as they first were exposed that their leaves had some insect damage. At least there were petals still on them though. Much better results so far than last time. But today, the damage worsened. I decided to hold a stakeout to figure out who the culprit was.

I waited until it was dark. When the time was right, I peeled myself away from Enter the Dragon - Sidebar - Why, even though they're speaking English, does it still seem like everyone's speaking Chinese with radio personalities from the 20's doing the voiceovers? Anyway, I grabbed a flashlight and told Woody the plan. Complete silence and darkness until we get to the plants. The element of surprise is vital. Woody looked at me and sat at the door. That meant he was ready. I opened the backdoor and Woody went out screaming. Well, at least he was enthusiastic.

I checked the marigolds and saw, nestled between the soft orange petals, earwigs! I didn't really have much of a plan as far as bug removal. I definitely wasn't prepared to pluck them off with my bare hands. So I went to the garden shed and grabbed my shears. The first one dove for cover before I could get him, the second wasn't so lucky. The third I'm not sure about. I was in such a blind rage by that time I was running the shears through the dirt just hoping by volume I'd kill me a bug.

I sprayed (for the second time today) with the insecticidal soap, which specifically lists earwigs. If this is the effectiveness of organic gardening pest control, I'm going to seriously rethink organic gardening. As a last resort, I've consulted some voodoo methods on the web and am implementing them tonight. More on how well the bugs like to read newspapers and drink veggie oil tomorrow.

UPDATE:Apparently Woody likes to eat veggie oil, the bugs? Not so much.